Today started off like any other normal day for me. I was minding my own business (hahahaha) when The Lord came unto me and said, “Sistah, I’m going to work through you today”. I was not surprised, as He Who Makes All Things New, often comes to me with the same proposal. I did have quite a bit on my proverbial plate this afternoon, so I replied, “Sorry, HG (short for Holy Ghost), I’m pretty busy with these holiday decorations. I’ve got to trim one more tree, get out the nativity scene, light the third candle on the menorah, figure out what to do for Kwanza and did I miss Ramadan? I know, pay a visit to Kim and Kanye. I hear they’re creating Saints without your blessing”. Needless to say, The Big Kahuna was having none of it. “Sit down and get comfortable”, exclaimed ELOHIM.

Please keep in mind that Savior in Chief can be pretty long-winded and tends to use some serious testament speak. In the interest of time and translation, I have paraphrased His word for the reader. That being said, without further ado, I give you a message from The Almighty:

1. Stop using religion as an instrument to promote fear, hate and/or violence. Anyone, and I mean anyone, who calls My name or My buddies Allah, Krishna, HaShem, Queztalcoatl (Google it), Breged, Jah or Zeus while participating in above said behaviors, is NOT a part of any religious faith.
2. For the love of ME, stop insisting your religion is better. There’s room for all of us.
3. Stop praying to ME over all this gun violence. I blessed you humans with common sense so that you would fix this mess you’ve created. I’m getting pretty tired hearing all the why why why. Wanna know Why? Because you are no longer as connected with one another. You don’t listen. You don’t want to get involved. You don’t know your neighbor.
4. Try talking to a friend IN PERSON. (Sistah, get me a Snapple. I’m parched)
5. Inspirational quotes are pretty stupid unless you actually wrote them.
6. Just because I created weed doesn’t mean it’s good for you. I also created hemlock and rattlesnakes.
7. I LOVE the Gays! Worry about your own relationships. Some of you hetero humans need to just sit down and be quiet. Let’s just say, many of you didn’t choose My best work.
8. My Autobiography is meant to be a story of how to be a better human. It is NOT, however, to be used for your own personal Jesus Police Task Force. If it were, you’d all be feeling some smite from Me right about now.
9. My Son’s birthday does not require you go in to debt. Not the reason I started this.
10. If I put Donald Trump on this earth to test your faith, some of you are failing miserably. You better recognize.
11. And Yes, I do protect fools, babies and drunks. I have an agreement with America’s Funniest Home Videos and YouTube.

Three hours go by, I’m absolutely exhausted and my hand is cramping. Thus, Jehovah lays one more piece of knowledge on me to deliver:

• Some people just don’t get it. Whether they weren’t hugged enough as a child or they have some sort of chemical imbalance (science is a real thing), it’s up to YOU to make a difference. Yes, I like to hear from you, but there are plenty of humans who don’t pray to ME who are making a positive difference by their actions. Religion was created to uplift humans, not frighten, objectify or chastise (although Catholicism does appear sketchy now and again). Your time on this earth is short for a reason. It is designed for you to make the most of every moment. For My Sake, quit your whining, end the blame game, put on your grownup panties and get out there to spread some good.