A friend remarked to me the other day that she was having a difficult time parenting her Adult Child. Let me say that again. My friend remarked that she was having difficulty parenting her Adult Child. When asked to elaborate, here were her list of grievances:

1. Adult Child seems to have her own thoughts and ideas
2. Adult Child doesn’t take advice given to her even though she’s had a life’s worth of experience to guide said Adult Child
3. Adult Child gets frustrated and even angry when I solicit advice when she doesn’t ask for my opinion
4. It appears as if Adult Child wants to live her own life on her own terms

Now, we all know that Adult Child. Many of you even have Adult Child. Fortunately, I do not. My adult children hang on my every word and take all my advice as if I were their very own Yoda. Because I have been graced with this extraordinary ability to sooth the savage Adult Child, I will impart the same wisdom on you that I gave to my friend.

Sometimes, your identity gets so wrapped up in solving your Adult Child problems that you never stop to consider what would happen when they no longer need—or want—your solutions. Suddenly they are living in apartments you’ve never seen, facing challenges you can’t fix with a phone call or a checkbook. It can be a very disorientating and maddening transition in the parenting journey, shifting from Problem Solver to being…what exactly?

There are times you get a tearful phone call from Adult Child about a toxic work situation and you’re ready to roll up in the work parking lot and throw down with Sheila from accounting. AC gets a rock thrown into her windshield and suddenly you’re researching glass replacement in her town. The rescue reflex is powerful, honed over decades of legitimate responsibility for their wellbeing. 

Here’s what happens when you jump in to fix their adult problems. You’re not actually helping them. You’re robbing them of growth opportunities, keeping them dependent, sending the message that you don’t trust them and most importantly, exhausting yourself unnecessarily. 

I guess there’s even been scientific research on this subject that has found that continued parental over-involvement correlates with increased anxiety, decreased confidence and poorer coping skills in young adults. 

I told my friend that she needs to set boundaries. It’s going to be excruciating. Next time your AC calls talking about an unexpected bill or being passed over for a promotion by a horrible boss, you must bite your tongue. You’ve got to develop new responses and squash the urge to jump on the next plane or set up a Zoom call with HR. Here’s some new responses to try:

“That sounds really hard. How can I support you while you figure this out?”

“I’m confident you can handle this.”

“I’m here to listen.”

Bite on a stick. Take a Xanax. Pinch yourself in the leg, but you’ve got to resist the urge to swoop in and rescue. 

You may ask yourself what kind of mother doesn’t help her child? Isn’t that my job? The maternal instinct doesn’t just turn off after they’ve grown up and moved away. But sometimes, you just need to learn to STFU. 

Parents can learn that support doesn’t always look like solving. Sometimes it’s just sitting with them in the chaos. Sometimes it’s sharing a similar experience without telling them what to do. Sometimes it’s limited help like proofreading a letter rather than rewriting it yourself.

I told my friend that this is a great time to redefine herself. You were someone before you were a mom. Find her and rediscover the things she liked to do before her life was not her own. Your significant other might also appreciate the attention as a partner instead of co-parent. 

The bottom line is that we raise these people to become good humans; to grow and thrive and be independent and confident enough to function without us. It’s a huge win to see them able to navigate “adulting” on their own. Although it may break your heart to sit back and watch it all unfold, ultimately your Adult Child will appreciate the opportunity to see your relationship evolve into something deeper and more mutual. 

So, dear friend. You got this. Your AC’s got this. You did your job well and they will most likely exceed your wildest imaginations. And as you have probably guessed, then you guessed right. My friend is me.