It’s early Saturday morning and I was just reading an article on Yahoo! entitled 10 Steps to an Easier Birth. I laughed out loud and woke up the family.

The first step, according to this article (which doesn’t name the poor misguided writer) is to massage yourself for 10 minutes every day. I suggest you go have a massage for 60 minutes! Throw in a mani/pedi for good measure. Your hands and feet, no matter how swollen, should still look cute. Which reminds me, go buy yourself a gigantic CZ diamond ring. Your normal rings won’t fit by month 6, so you might as well have a giant rock to stare at on your pudgy finger.

Other gems include Rehearse a Plan. Let me tell you about plans. God says “Ha!” My trip number two to the hospital was more like Formula One night racing. My husband suddenly decided that speed limits and road signs did not apply to him.

Here’s a good one. Follow a diet that makes the birth passages soft and slippery and an easy space for the baby to slip out through. 37 shots of olive oil ain’t gonna help push a watermelon out of your Who-Ha. Incidentally, don’t push too hard after the baby has been born. My doctor asked me to give one big push and he was hit with the equivalent of an exploding dye pack right in the face.

Last, but not least, Trust in Nature. Listen, I’m all for these Super Women who want to experience birth as natural as possible. Just kidding. If we’ve learned anything in life, it’s not to trust Mother Nature. She’s unpredictable and scary. By baby number three, I had this birth thing figured out. I scheduled an induction. First thing, I insisted we hook up the epidural. Next, I watched a little television, then, casually and painlessly pushed him out. My doctor actually sat on the bed next to me during delivery. Then, we just looked at the baby like, oh, he’s here. I was told that I hold the record for the most uneventful labor & delivery ever. Score!

My advice, eat what makes you happy. Keep your air conditioner on 50 degrees for the full 9 months. Tell people not to touch you. Buy handbags. Take naps. Play the tired pregnant lady card to get groceries carried, quicker seating at restaurants and to get out of going to functions you would rather skip anyway. You’ll have enough excitement after that little person arrives.